Dad and Cain part 4: The cult teachings and psychology that broke Dad's brain a bit

In which I detail why Dad said I should "hide better" when Cain visited, instead of ditching Cain who verbally sexually harassed me.

To sum up, Dad and Cain have been best friends since childhood. Dad's childhood was rough. Cain’s wasn't as rough. Cain advised Dad to beat me for telling a joke about food I made when I was a tween, right after I gave Cain a plate of food I'd made from scratch. Cain described porn to me when I was underage. He continued verbally sexually harassing me over decades.

I told Dad, Dad told me it was my fault that Cain sexually harassed me because I needed to hide better when Cain came over.

I spoke about this to friends, was surprised by the instant disgust. I learned it is not normal to stay friends with someone who sexually harasses your kid.

I realized my family is fucked up. And that my Dad, as smart, caring, capable, quotable, talented, wise as he is, it's like something just scooped the "protect your kids from friends who sexually harass them" instinct straight outta his brain.

I had to know why. So I did all the things I could think of that might possibly help me understand why, all together, as one does.

I started scouring ex-fundamentalist Christian blogs. I read cult-tactic psychology blogs. I binged ex-fundamentalist Christian (ex-fundie) podcasts. I lurked all the Exittor subreddits. I binged secular Bible study podcasts, and multiple ones on the history of Christianity and the Bible. I read ex-cult member books who remained Christian and told me to interpret Bible verses slightly differently.

My sources included blogs Love Joy Feminism, Samantha A. P. Field, Diary of an Autodidact. Exittor subreddits included ExAdventist, ExMormon, ExJW, ExMuslim. Podcasts included Seventh Day Atheist (found on archive.org), The Cult Vault, The Excommunication Station, Oh No Ross and Carrie, Haystacks and Hell, Drunk Bible Study, History of the Bible.

I remembered long-ago conversations with Dad.

I found concepts and psychological things, truly believed by Dad, that--all mushed together--likely quelled his "protect your kids from friends who sexualize them" instinct.

On to the first cult teaching.

1. Inappropriate thoughts are sins, which is as bad as actually doing the sin.

   In ex-fundamentalist circles, the thought-sins are called “thoughtcrimes” a la the dystopian novel Nineteen Eighty-four. Setting an inappropriate thought as equal to doing the thing is “sin-flattening”. Thus the magnitude of an inappropriate action is “flattened” to something completely harmless. Through sin-flattening, normal selfless people, like my father, are made to feel guilty for normal thoughts. Guilty people are absolved. After all, what they did is no worse than imagining doing it. The actual harm they did unto others? Completely ignored.

   (If the harmed person speaks up, they get preached at on how they “have the root of bitterness” in them and they have to shut up and forgive. Often they're advised to associate with the predator as though they're friends, and told then they'll be very happy once they forgive their predator. Victims are silenced. Predators are protected.)

   The main proof text for thoughtcrimes is Jesus himself in the Sermon on the Mount, Matthew 5:28, KJV, a verse child-me was made to memorize: "But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart."

   A proof-text for sin-flattening is James 2:10, KJV. I had this verse memorized from childhood. It says: "For whosoever shall keep the whole law and yet offend (Read: break any commandment) on one point, he is guilty of all."

   Another “proof” is that since Hell is the consequence for all unconfessed sins, therefore all sins are equally terrible, therefore all sins are the same.

I remembered a long ago comment by Dad. His boss, Dad said, every night confessed to God every single sin his boss committed that day.

"He's probably a better person than I am," Dad observed. "I do not do that."

I thought how Dad never cussed and his boss cussed a blue streak. I remembered stories overheard, Dad telling Mom inconsiderate things his boss did. (The technical term for Dad’s then-boss, I have concluded, is “asshole”.) I thought how Dad came home exhausted to collapse into bed and get up early again and work hard in construction all day. I remembered how Dad drove an hour and a half East to work every morning, and an hour and a half West to home every night. On summer days in the Midwest, this means driving into the blazing sun as it rises and sets. It’s exhausting, the eye strain alone. Dad’s boss didn’t drive so far.

Dad didn't sin as much as his boss did, I decided, and Dad was too tired to waste time confessing nonexistent sins anyway.

But no. Dad truly believed all sins are the same. His normal angry thoughts over his boss being a jerk? Just as bad as his boss's cussing a blue streak and belittling Dad.

Perhaps in a similar way, Dad views Cain's verbal sexual harassment as just as bad as Dad's normal angry thoughts.

The next cult teaching destroyed my Dad’s self esteem for life.

2. I am not good enough. Others are better than me.

Proof texts for this include Romans 12:3. Again, as a child, I was made to memorize this verse. I’ll bet you money Dad was, too: “For I say to every man that is among you, through the grace given unto me, not to think of himself more highly than he ought to think,”

“Thinking of himself more highly than he ought to think” is tied into Luke 14:10, where there’s a party and sitting near the host equals bragging. The NIV version makes most sense here: “But when you are invited [to the table], take the lowest place, so that when your host comes, he will say to you, ‘Friend, move up to a better place.’ Then you will be honored in the presence of all the other guests.”

There you have it. Humble-bragging by where one sits, recommended by Jesus.

Therefore, even if one does what they know is an excellent job, one is not to say so. That's “thinking of themselves more highly than they put to think”. Instead, others’ opinions about said job are more valuable. In a similar way, one is taught to deflect praise to God. The individual’s commitment, discipline, creativity to accomplish their skills? Well, that came from God, too. In this way, one is devalued, diminished.

Ex-evangelical Samantha A. P. Field lists more verses used to clobber a faithful fundamentalist Christian into belief they're not good enough:

• “I am a bad person. Mark 10:18, “no one is good.”

• “I am shameful. Isaiah 64:6, we are “filthy rags” (or used feminine pads, עִדָּה means “menstruation“)

• “I deserve only bad things. … basically every verse interpreted as “you deserve hell’s damnation.”

• ”My judgement cannot be trusted. Jeremiah 17:9, our heart is “deceitful” and “desperately wicked.”

• ”I am not in control. I Chronicles 29:11-12, God is the “ruler of all things.”

• ”I have to be perfect. Matthew 5:48,” be perfect as God is perfect.”

• ”I am permanently damaged. Ephesians 2:1-3, we are “dead in our sin,” and wrathful “by nature.”” http://samanthapfield.com/tag/biblical-counseling/

Dad truly believes this. His angry thoughts? As bad as actual actions. His heart? Desperately wicked.

Cain? Quite probably a better person than Dad, in Dad's cult-broken mind.

In psychology blogs, I learned another term tied into self-esteem.

3. Imposter syndrome. Believing you are not good at the thing, in spite of much evidence that you are doing the thing very well.

Dad always had this. I have this. It’s not solely a cult thing. It’s a low self-esteem thing, an introvert thing, and tied to plenty of brain issues like ADHD, Adverse Childhood Events, being the adult child of an alcoholic, depression. I know Dad has it because of this exchange:

"Oh it's just two old crippled men working," Dad rebuffed when I suggested Dad charge more than $30/hour for his and Cain's custom remodeling work. It was the 2010s. Standard experienced handyman wages in that place and time was, well, my brother was charging $60/hour and had plenty of business.

Sure, it's “two old men working”, but Cain's motivated to do a good job when he's working with Dad. And Dad has attention to detail, artistry, perfectionism, and creativity. Between them, they have decades of experience in all things building and remodeling. Dad is definitely the dude you want laying your tile and installing your cupboards, and he makes sure his co-workers--like lackadaisical Cain--do just as good a job.

He didn't believe he was good enough to charge what he was worth. He undervalued himself. Absolutely "imposter syndrome".

If Dad saw himself as "not good enough", viewed his asshole of a boss as better than him, well then this is likely another way Dad viewed Cain as better than himself.

The next cause is another psychological thing, tied to low self-esteem.

4. Dad and Cain are codependent.

Per Wikipedia, “In psychology, codependency is a theory that attempts to explain imbalanced relationships where one person enables another person's self-destructive behavior…Definitions of codependency vary, but typically include high self-sacrifice, a focus on others' needs, suppression of one's own emotions, and attempts to control or fix other people's problems.”

This lines up with Dad self-sacrifice and focus on others’ needs. For instance, he chose to go hungry as a child to ensure his mom ate. Dad is the stereotypical tough Midwestern man who rarely cries. Suppression of one’s emotions is there. Attempts to control or fix Cain’s problems? No. Enabling Cain’s inappropriate verbal sexual harassment? Yes.

Adventism teaches “Putting Jesus first, Others second, and Yourself last brings JOY!”. Dad has lived this all his life. Proper self-care, “putting on your oxygen mask before helping another” is not taught in Adventism. Proper boundaries? Also not taught.

Dad put Cain ahead of me, his daughter.

Next, Purity Culture bullshit. This post is long enough, I'll just clump them all together. Might as well; they were certainly clumped together when I was taught them.

5. Rape is a kind of premarital sex. Only heterosexual sex within marriage is ok; everything else is a sin. Verbal sexual harassment is just words. Girls and women invite inappropriate actions from men.

Love Joy Feminism used this four box image to demonstrate the difference between “conservative sexual ethics” and “progressive sexual ethics”:

“Do you see "rape" in those boxes? Yes, it's there in the "non-consensual" box under progressive sexual ethics, but what about conservative sexual ethics?

“…As I tried to figure out where to put rape, I realized that the fundamentalist evangelicalism in which I grew up doesn't treat rape as a separate category. Instead, rape is grouped under either "premarital sex" or "marital sex." It's not treated separately.”

“Sure, rape was seen as bad because it was a violent crime. But the sex part? It was, well, premarital sex. Sure, it wasn’t voluntary, but it still was premarital sex.”

https://www.patheos.com/blogs/lovejoyfeminism/2012/08/rape-thats-a-kind-of-premarital-sex-right.html

I personally remember when I was a teen visiting my friends at Adventist boarding academy. It was a mixed group of boys and girls, and we wound up debating if marrying a girl who had been raped was “marrying a virgin”. The consensus was that a virgin boy/man marrying a raped girl/woman was doing the non-virgin person a huge favor.

This evil bullshit is what naturally happens when a girl or woman is judged by their “purity” and “impure” is defined as “a penis was inside her vagina before she married a man, regardless of whether she wanted that penis in her vagina”.

Naturally in such a patriarchal culture, verbal sexual harassment is diminished even more than rape. Practically doesn't matter.

I was taught in Purity Culture that ALL unwanted sexual advances, touching, assault, etc., is the girl or woman's fault. They put themselves in a dangerous situation, or wore the wrong clothes, or walked, talked, winked, flirted, something she did wrong. It's probable my Dad believed on some level that I invited Cain’s inappropriate behavior. Dad himself taught me Purity Culture.

For instance, I remember if I wore a baggy shirt that shifted so I had a bra strap showing, Dad would snap that bra strap. Then he'd tell me that's what boys in public schools do with exposed bra straps. Boys will be boys, right?

I cannot remember which man in my family first cracked the “joke” that “At least Cain didn't touch you. It's just words.”

To sum up, a perfect storm of cult teachings and trauma-related psychology broke my Dad's protective instincts, led him to say “Hide better when Cain visits”, instead of ditching his best friend Cain after Cain verbally sexually harassed me for years. And the codependent aspect of their relationship is closely tied to Dad's natural deep self-sacrificing nature.

My family enabled Dad by minimizing Cain’s sexual harassment (“It's just words!”), and prioritizing Dad and Cain’s relationship over my feeling safe at home. Dad enabled Cain’s sexual harassment by blaming me for his behavior, telling me I should “hide better when Cain visits”.

Enabling creeps is part and parcel of the Patriarchal Purity Culture morass in the Adventist church.

Yet still, in spite of this broken part of Dad’s instincts, Dad is a good man.