The Seventh-day Adventist Church: 3 of its sex abuse cases from 3 centuries. Part 2: 20th century
Trigger warning: CSA. 3 part series. Part 2: A 20th century case. It's my story. A Seventh-day Adventist teacher groomed, inappropriately touched me. SDA Church and Project Safe Church obfuscated.
Three part series. This is part 2.
Part 1:
Part 3:
The image with this post is a screenshot of RAINN’s Find Help Near You page:
https://centers.rainn.org
On terminology:
CSA means “child sexual assault or abuse”.
The Seventh-day Adventist Church calls itself “SDA” and “Adventist” for short. My writings do too.
“Sex abuse” means any sexually inappropriate action committed by one person against another person. This is a deliberately broad definition for the purpose of this blog post series.
In this post, “survivor” means “someone who experienced sex abuse, ain’t dead from it”. (Yes, I deliberately worded that to mirror Terry Pratchett’s Discworld witch, Granny Weatherwax, whose placard reads “I ATE’NT DEAD”.)
A relevant quote from the anti-sexual assault organization, Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network (RAINN) about disclosure:
Source: https://rainn.org/articles/telling-loved-ones-about-sexual-assault
“Remember, deciding to tell your story doesn’t have to mean sharing every detail—it’s your decision to tell as little or as much as you’re comfortable with.”
I shall tell as much of my story as I'm comfortable with—not every detail.
Seventh-day Adventists use timelines and definitions a lot in their Daniel and Revelation Seminars, the better to prove their mythology. (SDAs omit how “Appeal to Definition” is a common logical fallacy. https://effectiviology.com/appeal-to-definition/)
I've been through thousands of hours of Adventist studies. The SDA timeline and definitions method of storytelling is in my soul.
I will write this post Adventist-study style, beginning with an Appeal to Definition and followed by a timeline. Unlike the Adventists, I shall cite every source.
Per Merriam-Websters dictionary online, the definition of “obfuscate”. Source: https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/obfuscate
“Obfuscate
“transitive verb
“1. a: to throw into shadow: DARKEN
“b: to make obscure…
“2: CONFUSE…
“intransitive verb: to be evasive, unclear, or confusing…”
The SDA Church “darkened, confused” how I, an adult CSA survivor sexually abused as a child by an SDA teacher in an SDA church, was to report my abuse. They were evasive, unclear, and did not offer reasonable assistance to prevent future harm by a trusted SDA pedophile still attending SDA church and around children. The SDA Church obfuscated my CSA case.
The SDA-supporting sex abuse support ministry Project Safe Church deliberately rewrote my affidavit to remove SDA Church responsibility, conceal SDA Purity Culture doctrines, deleted SDA prophetess’s Ellen White’s name and harmful CSA teachings, hide SDA End Times theology. They changed my affidavit wording to blame young, devout me for believing SDA indoctrination.
Timeline:
Before I was born: A man and a woman met and married. They were SDA, got educated to qualify as SDA grade school teachers, worked in SDA schools in the same state I later grew up in. They had children.
Let’s call this couple Mr. and Mrs. Creep.
There were rumors: Rumors said that everywhere the Creep family lived, SDAs complained about Mr. Creep molesting SDA children. When the Creeps moved, rumors. Moms warned other moms about Mr. Creep.
Nobody told the police.
Rumor said the SDA State Conference relocated the Creeps a lot: Most SDA teachers settle down in one place for years. My SDA teacher friend has worked in one SDA school for over twelve years.
The Creeps moved, a lot. Rumors arose that the SDA State Conference relocated the Creeps whenever too many folks complained about Mr. Creep’s molesting children.
Relevant comment from my Instagram, talesfromacult, where I recently posted screenshots by SDA Church organizations saying the SDA Church “has a duty” to “protect assets” so buy this oddly specific church insurance designed especially for future sex abuse lawsuits. (Yes, really.)
One person commented, saying an SDA Conference official told their mom how relocating SDA “predatory staff” isn't SDA policy anymore:
That’s a third-hand hearsay rumor that an SDA Conference used to relocate SDA “predatory staff”. Per SDA policy.
What's important there is I had nothing on my insta about any SDAs relocating anybody. That comment happened, wholly unprompted by me.
It was the 1990s: My Midwest Adventist church was hiring a teacher for their SDA grade school. Mrs. Creep was being considered.
Church parents, elders, and our pastor gathered together in a church board meeting to talk about hiring Mrs. Creep. Mrs. Creep was in attendance. I've no idea if Mr. Creep was there.
There were rumors: Someone brave soul in that board meeting—I don't know who—spoke up about the rumors.
Mrs. Creep vehemently insisted the rumors were false.
Nobody investigated the rumors.
No one told the police.
My SDA church hired Mrs. Creep on a proviso: The church board offered to hire Mrs. Creep as long as Mr. Creep never entered the church school. Mrs. Creep accepted.
This shows my church’s hiring committee saw enough truth in the rumors to keep Mr. Creep out of their SDA school. They hired the wife of a rumored pedophile.
I was a young teen who had just hit puberty. Mrs. Creep had been teaching school for several months. The Creeps and their daughters had attended our church services and potlucks regularly.
Years later Dad told me that he approached one of the age 20s or 30s adult daughters of the Creeps. At church. After service. This probably occurred at least six months after Mrs. Creep had been teaching. She was teaching two or three of my siblings.
So what you have here is a middle-aged SDA dad approaching the adult daughter of the teacher of his kids, to say hi.
Because that's what adults in small friendly rural churches do. They get to know each other on a casual basis. Then they all kinda clan together and get on with life. Borrow baking pans. Fix each others’ cars. Go garage sailing. Foist extra garden zucchini on each other.
Heck, I distinctly remember Dad spending an entire weekend welding shut holes in an old car’s gas tank. For free. Because a non-Adventist neighbor needed a car that didn’t leak gas and no means to afford it herself.
Dad introduced himself, and the Creeps’ daughter instantly freaked. She walked away from Dad, quickly, with frequent frightened glances over her shoulder.
Dad told me that because she was immediately so frightened of him, he suspected Mr. Creep abused his daughters.
Back when I was a young teen, Dad did not tell me his suspicions.
It was after church service in the church sanctuary, where everyone stood around mingling. I was a young teen girl, sitting on a pew doing a pastime to pass the time. I may have been folding origami or reading.
I felt a human plop themselves heavily next to me on my right side. I looked up. It was Mr. Creep. We’d never been introduced, nor had I ever talked to him. Mr. Creep slung his arm around my shoulders, pulled my slight body right up against his.
This is grooming, step one: Per RAINN, grooming is “manipulative behaviors that the abuser uses to gain access to a potential victim, coerce them to agree to the abuse, and reduce the risk of being caught.” https://rainn.org/news/grooming-know-warning-signs
Per above source, Mr. Creep’s grooming behaviors towards me in that incident include:
“Victim selection: Abusers often observe possible victims and select them based on ease of access to them or their perceived vulnerability.
“Desensitization to touch…Abusers will often start to touch a victim in ways that appear harmless…
“Attempt by abusers to make their behavior seem natural, to avoid raising suspicions…”
Mr. Creep noticed I was vulnerable, starting grooming me.
On spotting a vulnerable teen: It ain’t hard. Vulnerable teens tend to be alone, sometimes dressed unfashionably, often physically cringe, hunch, or avoid eye contact.
Most do some version of the human fight, flight, fawn, or freeze instinct nearly every damn day. They're surviving hard times. This is normal humans humaning.
I wore unfashionable baggy modest clothes because Purity Culture indoctrination, I fawned after any positive feedback, I was alone doing a solitary pastime at church while the rest of the church teen girls hung out outside.
Going by a few old photos, it is possible I habitually hunched.
I was vulnerable; Mr. Creep noticed and started to groom me.
Right after he threw his arm around me and pulled my body to his, I sat there, frozen, stunned. This is a normal human freeze response.
It’s an animal instinct. Science knows exactly where it is located in the brain and what mammals do if that part of the brain is damaged.
Think about it. A predator attacks prey? Freezing might make that predator think the prey is dead. Works with black bears: You pretend to be dead. They paw you. You stay limp. They don't eat dead things, they leave. Doesn’t work with grizzlies, says google.
Famously, hog nose snakes and opossums fake death. It’s arguably a version of the freeze response.
Definitely makes it clear the prey is non-threatening. This animal instinct keeps human anose survivors alive and less injured, and we survivors have absolutely no control over our animal instinctive reactions. Sometimes, as time passes and the abuse continues, human bodies switch from one instinctive reaction to another.
Time passed, maybe only seconds, maybe a minute. I threw his arm off, scooted away. He grinned, scooted closer, put his arm around me, pulled my body tight against his again. I felt the pressure of his thigh touching mine.
I threw his arm off again. I left. He stared at me, grinning, the whole time as I left the church sanctuary. I could feel his eyes on my back. The hair on the back of my neck stood up. This, too, is an animal survival instinct.
Mom noticed, she later asked why: Later, Mom asked why I threw Mr. Creep’s arm off my shoulder. I felt blamed, accused, and shamed by Mom. I understood she meant that Mr. Creep’s actions were socially ok and my reaction inappropriate. I muttered something short, went into my room, shut the door, lay on my bed feeling socially awkward and judged by Mom.
Years later, Mom said she was asking to evaluate if Mr. Creep had made me uncomfortable. She had heard the rumors. Awkwardly, as a mom trying to communicate with the first daughter she ever had who was experiencing puberty, Mom was trying to see if she needed to defend and protect her daughter. More animal instincts, that protect your daughter thing.
But she didn't know to say that, and I didn't know her intentions. I fled. That's animal instincts, too.
Mom didn't tell me the rumors.
Underlying causes of shitty communication between Mom and I, besides puberty:
Our communication sucked partly because Mom was a poor stay-at-home mom with a huge family on one income just trying to survive. Non-urgent matters don't get addressed while the parents are permanently in survival mode. USA families in poverty are in constant survival mode, and lower to middle class are in frequent survival mode. There's tons of reasons why, and most have to do with how the American system is set up to benefit companies, not workers. Go read the subreddit r/povertyfinance.
One symptom showing Mom was in constant survival mode? The human brain doesn’t remember very much of stressful times. Mom doesn’t remember much of raising us children. What she does remember, she is candid about. She owns her mistakes and has apologized.
What I'm trying to say here is my Mom is a fundamentally decent human who made mistakes.
And also, my Mom was duped by Christian homeschooler leaders:
American Christian homeschooling culture teach parents that normal child development (everything from a toddler saying “no” to a teen learning to masturbate) is sin and children must be controlled by parents. For Jesus. Books by fundamentalist homeschool leaders teach parents to use shame, corporal punishment, ignore crying children, and use other punitive measures to enforce control of children.
Mom had Christian homeschool supporter Dr. James Dobson’s child abuse manual The Strong Willed Child in our home library. Read screenshots of Dobson recommending child abuse in that book here. Trigger warnings: dog abuse, CSA. https://www.reddit.com/r/FundieSnarkUncensored/comments/15vzgoj/i_decided_to_revisit_dr_dobsons_the_strongwilled/#lightbox
With such control measures, children are not permitted to learn self-advocacy skills. Obeying authority is the priority, not listening to children nor investigating kids’ reports of what's going on.
Several Sabbaths later, I was alone in a Sabbath School room at church. Mr. Creep entered, blocked the exit with his body, and inappropriately touched me. He stood there grinning hugely. He said nothing.
As the old Victorian Era novels put it, “let us draw a curtain” over what occurred next. What readers need to know is I was not raped. Lingo to describe what Mr. Creep did to my person include “felony molestation” (per one US state’s very detailed CSA laws), “inappropriate touch”, “molested”, “assaulted”, and the umbrella term “sexual abuse”.
Per RAINN information on grooming, Mr. Creep grooming step here is:
“Gaining access and isolating the victim: Abusers will attempt to physically or emotionally separate a victim from those protecting them and often seek out positions in which they have contact with minors.”
Source: https://rainn.org/news/grooming-know-warning-signs
Mr. Creep had “sought out” a position in which he had contact with children—he was an SDA School teacher.
He physically isolated me and escalated his inappropriate behavior to inappropriate physical touch of a young teen girl—me. This means that Mr. Creep had a well-practiced textbook method to groom and molest his victims. It means he'd done it before; I am not his only victim.
Some days after, I tried telling an SDA same-age friend what happened. I did not know the words “molested”, “inappropriately touched”, “assaulted”. Homeschooled SDA girls like me were not taught sexual education. I told my friend that Mr. Creep “raped” me. My peer asked what he did. I told them.
I shan’t repeat the prurient details here.
My friend burst out laughing. From this, I deduced that others would laugh if I reported his actions again.
The fact is I was inappropriately touched, not actually raped. My peer, who had sex education, knew her terminology and found me using the wrong word funny.
And what I disclosed to her was threatening to her person, too, for Mrs. Creep was her teacher.
It was a stress relief laugh. Humans do that.
At the time, I didn't understand. I felt shame, guilt, and stupid. I concluded that others would find my experience hilarious. So I told no one else.
Years later, I talked to this friend. We're still good-enough friends that we converse on social media. She told me that all the other teen SDA girls in that church had a secret sign between them to warn each other that Mr. Creep was around. They felt he was creepy. They banded together to protect each other.
I wasn’t told. I wasn’t part of that group. My peer could have let me into that group once I told her what happened. She could have acknowledged the group existed. But she was a teen girl with only one group she could belong to—the one she was in.
Peer pressure is huge when you're a young teen girl. My friend wanted to fit in. She didn't have any other damn group to join. So she instinctively kept me out.
As a teen girl, I knew I was an outsider in my friend group, yet I did not know how much of an outsider I actually was until decades later. My friend apologized. I said I didn't hold it against her; we were children.
Back when I was a newly molested teen, laughed at, I “knew” it was my fault. I was well-indoctrinated in Purity Culture, which holds girls and women responsible for men and boys’ inappropriate sexual behaviors.
So, I “knew” I had “invited” Mr. Creep’s behavior somehow. I knew it wasn’t my clothes. I had been wearing a loose ankle-length, long-sleeve, high-neck dress. Modest dress never sexually excited any male, as I well knew from Purity Culture books like I Kissed Dating Goodbye.
I felt responsible, guilty, alone.
Two decades later:
I was on Facebook, which decided through its horrible algorithm that I would like to be friends with Mr. Creep. I clicked on his profile, sick to my stomach.
His “about me” blurb said he was an SDA teacher in the Midwest state he molested me in. There were photos of him with children. There were tagged photos of him at SDA churches.
Something protective deep inside roared at me to protect all the SDA kids from Mr. Creep molesting them, too.
I did as a sexual abuse survivor, now safe, often does: I told my story. I went to extraordinary lengths to prevent Mr. Creep from molesting another child. I hoped that notifying SDA officials would do just that, and also knew I probably would be dealing with the same SDA Conference leadership assholes who relocated Mr. Creep instead of reporting his sex abuse to police.
I’d recently read a news article saying serial pedophiles have up to 300 victims in their lifetime. While researching this blog post, I found a different source saying:
“An average serial child molester may have as many as 400 victims in his lifetime.” The problem with this source is they don't cite their source. https://thedemandproject.org/Statistics/
So I searched that sentence, and this study is referenced as the source in other websites. I can't find the whole study. It's behind paywalls. “Child sexual abuse prevention: What offenders tell us By Michele Elliott, Kevin Browne, Jennifer Kilcoyne Child abuse & neglect 19 (5), 579-594, 1995”.
In the Proctor and Gamble Hierarchy of Evidence, that study is level three, under “Case Control Studies”. There’s six levels of evidence. So this study? The “fact” there's 400 victims in a lifetime? It is oft quoted and not wholly proven. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hierarchy_of_evidence
Def better proven than most SDA “Truth”, though.
Of note, the SDA Church did not legally have to tell the police about Mr. Creep’s molesting: The Midwest US state I grew up in was one of 33 that have “clergy exemption” laws. In plain English, that means religious people do NOT have to report known or suspected child abuse to secular authorities. Source: https://spectrumlocalnews.com/mo/st-louis/news/2022/09/28/33-states-exempt-clergy-from-reporting-abuse
Churches in the United States hire lobbyists to fight to keep clergy exemption laws in place. Almost certainly Adventist Risk Management, the legal wing of the SDA Church, hires lobbyists and fights for clergy exemptions. They're well aware of it: There are multiple articles on their website saying “know the CSA reporting laws where you live”.
Back to when Facebook showed me Mr. Creep’s profile: I gathered social media photos and I filed a police report in the appropriate town in the state where Mr. Creep sexually abused me.
I’d heard a story wherein a repeat abuser was going to have a sweet plea deal, but then a police report filed years ago showed up. It proved the abuser had abused before. And so the abuser got a long sentence, no plea deal.
I can't find such a story via my google-fu today.
FYI side note on filing a police report in the USA: Anyone can file a police report. It helps to explain they’re only filing to “establish precedent” and “not to press charges”. One can do this and not have to endure trial testimony. The perpetrator is not told. The police report might establish prior behavior should the abuser ever be charged elsewhere. It may not.
I followed these instructions: https://www.wikihow.com/File-a-Police-Report
Side note advices I wish I had known, if any reader is considering doing this, know what self cares work for you. Practice them.
While completing my police report, I threw up, shook, retched. After it was done, I woke screaming that night. My self cares were long naps, cuddles, dark chocolate, warm coffee, long warm baths, and BBC audio dramas.
I recommend doing a police report just before several days off. Maybe on a Friday? There's physical symptoms one frequently experiences when retelling abuse. A couple days off work to recover is nice.
Fair warning on police reports: My police officer was supportive and professional. Knowing there was a written record in Police World that might ensure Mr. Creep got a longer sentence if he's ever charged? It was cathartic.
I've encountered other CSA survivors whose experience was horrific. They got asked—by the police—questions like “What were you wearing?” and “Why didn't you report this sooner?” and worse.
Next, I went to the SDA State Conference and Union Conference websites. I collected all the leaders’ emails I could find. I mass emailed forty-seven emails with photos of Mr. Creep from Facebook and a brief description of his sex abuse. I bcc’d 46 emails so that the SDA Conference didn't immediately know everyone who was notified.
My email was about five short paragraphs long.
On SDA Church organization: In the USA, SDA churches are organized into State Conferences. Some states even have separate-but-equal State Black people Conferences. State and Black Conferences are lumped geographically into Unions. The next level up is the Division.
I emailed the local State Conference and youth directors at the Union Conference level.
I knew from there's no point reaching up to the SDA North American Division level. For one thing, that site literally tells members to talk to their elder, pastor, Conference, and Union for all issues instead of approaching anyone at the Division level. Very, very chain-of-command authoritarian method.
I got three email responses. One from the Director of Youth Ministry of the Union Conference; it said “thank you for this important information”. No punctuation. No signature.
The second was from Superintendent of Education of the State Conference. It was from a woman, who wished god’s blessings upon my spiritual walk, told me the Conference would look into things, but by the way the SDA school Mrs. Creep taught at didn't exist anyone.
She gave me a name and email to the State Conference Secretary, who would “he will be the point person moving forward”, a not-so subtle “do not mass email us again” message.
The State Conference Secretary responded that same day to inform me that the Creeps weren't members in the State Conference anymore.
I replied,
“How, exactly, will you handle this? Will the church he's now a member of be notified? Will all the adults be warned to keep their children safe?”
He never responded.
Several months later I emailed him again asking how he followed up? He did not respond.
By his non-response, he obfuscated.
For research purposes for this blog, I just wrote the same man again. He’s now the State Conference president. Great.
I forwarded the second email and reply chain under it—his one reply, my two responses he never answered. I bcc’ed eleven current SDA State Conference leaders involved specifically in SDA youth ministries.
I asked what follow up has been done. I asked what policies are now in place? For good measure, I openly forwarded the email chain to the Union Conference director.
If there is any response, I'll post it on my Instagram, talesfromacult, as well as here.
Next, I figured out what church(es) Mr. Creep attended. The State Conference Secretary in the State Conference where I was molested had told me Mr. Creep wasn’t a member in his Conference anymore.
I found what State Conference Mr. Creep attended. I wrote another mass-email to that Conference and Union with photos and bcc’ing most recipients. I wrote pastors, teachers, Pathfinder leaders, and State Conference officials. This time it was forty-six emails.
I got no responses.
To be fair, if I got an email out of the blue from a stranger that they were CSA’d, I might not engage with them either.
Zero replies out of 46 emails indicates a very good “look out this is an outsider emailing you” email filter by SDA IT staff (doubtful), or lots of unattended email inboxes (quite likely), or staff well-trained to not respond to such emails (also likely).
I shared about this on Facebook. A SDA friend, who teaches in a SDA gradeschool in the same state Mr. Creep attends told me to email their SDA education supervisor. So I did—again—using my friend’s name in the email title. That person replied, saying they'll be sure Mr. Creep doesn’t volunteer in educational functions.
That's one meaningful reply out 46 people notified—but only after two contact attempts AND targeted name-dropping.
Next, someone from exSDA social media suggested I approach Project Safe Church. Their website is here: https://www.abide.network/project-safe-church
They say: “Project Safe Church exists to train and equip others to recognize and respond to abuse in biblically redemptive yet legally and ethically responsible ways. Though we are not an official church organization, we guide our operations by the ethics policies of the North American Division of Seventh-day Adventists.”
So this organization, by Adventists for Adventists, straddles the SDA “do not spread rumors because Bible verses, do not tell police about CSA because Bible verses, beware you might damage another person’s reputation, and Jesus definitely forgives and heals pedophiles, also pedophiles should be welcome in SDA churches that have children in them because Jesus saves, and when Jesus saves he also completely cures so all the science showing pedophiles have high recidivism rates do not apply” traditional conservative Adventist mindset versus the “oh, pedophilia rumors? Tell the police” liberal Adventist mindset.
It’s a way to get Purity Culture indoctrinated SDAs to feel safe enough to report their abuse. That is a necessary, good thing.
Per my exSDA source, Project Safe Church has successfully seen multiple SDA sex abusers convicted and sentenced. Good.
Here is what happened in my case:
First off, the Project Safe Church founder, I will call Dr. S., requested I talk to her via phone. I declined, requesting email contact. She complied, requesting an affidavit, and provided a sample affidavit form.
If you want to know Dr. S.’s full name, go look on Project Safe Church website. She founded it. I choose to omit all names in this blog because reasons. I decided to keep Dr. S. identifiable—with work from the reader—because her organization exists, does some good, enables indoctrinated SDAs to tell their abuse stories safely. It’s a good resource for indoctrinated SDA abused people.
Project Safe Church rewrote my affidavit to protect the SDA Church and blame me for believing SDA indoctrination.
Project Safe Church is probably still rewriting others’ affidavits to blame the SDA abuse victim for their abuse.
Dr. S. requested my police report number. I gave it to her. In retrospect, I regret that. Project Safe Church used me to collect information about my abuse and gave me nothing good back.
I followed the sample affidavit outline, wrote a rough draft affidavit that I sent to her. I wrote a damn three or four page documentation of all the shit the SDA church and conference did.
I listed all three known pedophiles in my childhood church by name, exactly what the pedophiles had done, exactly how my church protected them. (Read: Since then, I’ve compared notes on “pedophiles or very likely pedophiles we remember from the church we grew up in” with a friend who also grew up in my church. We came up with a list of eight individuals. Three are written about in my blog: Founder, Shouty Pastor, my pedophile uncle. One, not included in my blog, served time in jail and was ordered by the court to never live with an underage girl. All eight men were welcome in my church around children unattended. Just like Dubon (allegedly) is, the SDA man in my 21st century SDA CSA blog post.)
In my affidavit rough draft, I felt I had to justify why I took two decades to report Mr. Creep’s sex abuse. I did so.
I included what I did as a teen—teaching myself wild edible plants, helping raise my younger siblings, reading everything I could get my hands on. I included a rough list of what books I read as a young teen.
I was trying to prove young-me’s actions to everyone ever who read that affidavit. Those words welled up from a lifetime of being blamed for others’ inappropriate actions. I instinctively fawned, over-explaining.
It's a fight, flight, freeze, or fawn response. Human instinct. https://www.simplypsychology.org/fight-flight-freeze-fawn.html
Dr. S. forwarded my rough draft affidavit, to an in-house Project Safe Church affidavit rewriter.
First, Dr. S. asked if that was ok. This is the correct, respectful thing to do. After I said that was ok, Dr. S. forwarded my rough draft affidavit.
The Project Safe Church affidavit rewriter’s email signature said she was a “B.M., M.M, and Ph.D. Candidate, Performing Arts Health Certified Life Coach, Abide Network”.
Let’s call her Ms. Corrector. I have googled her name; she remains in SDA-supporting (which is affiliated with Project Safe Church) circles and appears to be true believing conservative Adventist. She reads as one who believes Adventism is God’s Last Truth and Ellen White is a true prophetess.
(Of note: “SDA-supporting” means Adventists own and run the organization. But the organization is legally separate from the SDA Church proper. You know Dr. Kellogg the sanitarium, cereal, enemas, dumped acid on clitorises, promoted circumcision guy? He was Adventist-supporting for quite awhile. The SDA Church proper recommends SDA-supporting orgs, until something negative about the org hits the news. Then the SDA Church makes a public statement “hurr durr, that awful organization ain’t ACTSHUALLY Adventist” and thus obfuscates responsibility via No True Scotsman fallacy. No TRUE Adventist org would do [terrible thing SDA supporting org did].)
Ms. Corrector emailed me her rewritten version of my affidavit. She wrote, “I know how hard it is to figure out exactly what information to share. I hope you'll take my edits as someone who has walked a similar path, and not as a correction to your story.”
But it was a correction to my story.
It is very clear that my affidavit was deliberately rewritten to obfuscate and conceal SDA doctrines, writings, and even Ellen White’s name from the secular court system.
I cannot know if this was Ms. Corrector’s own decision, or if she was trained to do this by Project Safe Church.
My affidavit versus Ms. Corrector’s corrections to my story. My writing is in italics.
“[Initial sentences of first paragraph trying to explain who young me was. I included my teenage parentification responsibilities, my Time of Trouble preparations (such as teaching self edible wild plants), the fact I was homeschooled (hinting at my educational neglect), the fact I was isolated as fuck (except I used the euphemism “sheltered”), the fact even my reading material was highly controlled via listing the only permitted books, etc.]
“[enter bc wall of text]
“I dressed modestly because that way nobody would be tempted to lust over my body. I did not know the word “molest” (This hinted at educational neglect—inadequate sex education.). In that church, I was taught that is was my fault if I was assaulted, raped, or received any inappropriate attention from any male. This is termed “purity culture”.
“I was taught this by Bible verses I had to memorize, writings by the church prophetess Ellen G White, songs, books like “I Kissed Dating Goodbye”, and at Adventist Camp meetings. I am happy to provide chapter and verse and page numbers of Bible Verses and EGW writings, plus many anecdotes of this teaching.”
Ms. Corrector corrected this to:
“I was homeschooled, very sheltered, and a part of the Adventist church. During this time, my thoughts were guided by the purity culture movement including books like I Kissed Dating Goodbye and misapplied teachings from the bible and Spirit of Prophecy.”
Via this rewriting of my story, Ms. Corrector:
Obfuscated the source of my Purity Culture indoctrination. The SDA Church, Adventist Campmeetings, et al. mentions are deleted. Only one source is named—the book by nonSDA Joshua Harris, I Kissed Dating Goodbye. Mr. Harris, who's renounced and stopped publishing his book, is denounced.
The slew of SDA indoctrination sources, locations, and tactics is reworded to “misapplied teachings of the bible and the Spirit of Prophecy”. This defends Adventism, for Ellen White (referred to via SDA code phrase “the Spirit of Prophecy”) and the Bible are still The Truth, just “misapplied teachings”.
My lack of sex-ed, a common homeschooled SDA girl educational neglect tactic. Ms. Corrector deleted that.
Ellen White’s name is obfuscated and concealed. “The Spirit of Prophecy” is SDA code for “Ellen White and/or anything she wrote”. This is deliberate and quite clever. Ms. Corrector and Dr. S. knew I was born-in SDA. Thus, I knew the code phrase. They switched it without mentioning it to me. This is to protect Adventism, no other reason. NonSDA court personnel who read the affidavit don't know “Spirit of Prophecy” is SDA code phrase referring to “That brain-damaged plagiarizing Adventist prophetess Ellen White”. Chances are nonzero they might have heard of Ellen White, who has a sketchy popular culture reputation. With this silent switch in terms, Project Safe Church conceals evil CSA victim-blaming writings by Ellen White while still including a code-reference to Ellen White. They changed this hoping I wouldn’t notice nor change it back.
It corrects deliberate SDA indoctrination process to a nebulous passive process of nonSDA origin—“my thoughts were guided by the purity culture movement”. Why, yes, it was sheer accident that a girl raised wholly within SDA circles was indoctrinated into Purity Culture. It is not like Adventists promoted Purity Culture. /sarcasm
“Men and boys can not help their thoughts and actions, I was taught. Women and girls are responsible to keep them from sinning, by being pure, dressing modestly, etc. Other Bible verses and End Times theology taught me to not trust my gut feelings, for instance Jeremiah 17:9 “The heart is deceitful above all things and desperately wicked, who can know it?” and Isaiah 64:6 “Be we are all as an unclean thing, and our reighteousnesses [my typo] are as filthy rags…” I was taught in many sermons that “unclean rags” equals “used menstrual pads” so therefore my best attempts at being good were as valuable to God as a gift of bloody, scabbed, rotting foul-smelling menstrual pads. I was taught, and can show in SDA literature, that prior to Jesus’s actual physical coming back to Earth, Satan will be on Earth LARPing as Jesus, and Adventists will be the only ones who will know that Satan is actually Satan, and even Adventists would be decieved [my typo] by Satan if they trust their heart/gut feeling.”
Ms. Corrector corrected this to:
“Some of the teaching I bought into included:
“1. I must dress modestly so that way nobody would be tempted to lust over my body.
“2. It was my fault if I was assaulted, raped, or received any inappropriate attention from any male.
“3. Men and boys cannot help their thoughts and actions.”
“Some of the teaching I bought into”. With this sentence, Ms. Corrector both obfuscated and victim blames.
The deliberate lifelong SDA indoctrination involving even sermons about bloody tampons? Removed.
This sentence makes adult-me blame my innocent, devout younger self—in writing—for believing Adventist indoctrination.
It insinuates I chose to believe. I “bought into” teachings. That implies I had agency and choice. I had little of the first and none of the latter.
Ms. Corrector also deleted all the listed End Times teachings in Ellen White prophecies that continue to teach Adventists they must not trust themselves. This is obfuscation.
Ms. Corrector deleted the fact that SDA girls and women in Purity Culture are held responsible for both boys and men’s inappropriate thoughts and inappropriate actions. This protects traditional Adventism.
“This created a constant sense of no self-worth, self-blame, being held responsible for adult male’s inappropriate behavior, inadequacy, and no vocabulary to say “this inappropriate behavior made me feel uncomfortable and that is not ok”.
“Other Adventist teachings told me not to trust my gut feelings because the heart is deceitful above all things and because we are all unclean. This created a constant sense of no self-worth, self-blame, being held responsible for adult male’s inappropriate behavior, inadequacy, and no vocabulary to say “this inappropriate behavior made me feel uncomfortable and that is not ok”.”
Here, Ms. Corrector obfuscated.
The first sentence after “because” is Bible clobber verse phrases. I was made to memorize them. Ms. Corrector cut the part out. Secular readers of this affidavit would read those words as fringe SDA or my personal beliefs, not Bible verses and frequent sermon topics that SDA children like me encountered in SDA settings all our lives.
As I read my affidavit Ms. Corrector had corrected, I felt shame and guilt. I felt slapped in the face. I felt stupid for “buying into” what I was indoctrinated. I felt I had “bought into” what I was indoctrinated.
Is there a word for “I felt I should have known better, I felt another human knew I should have known better, I felt it was obvious to all humans besides me that Purity Culture was bullshit, I felt less-than”? Perhaps there is in German, going by some social media I've seen.
I know damn well that shame for falling for a scam is a common reason why many scams are not reported. The same thing goes for why many sex abuse cases are not reported.
Not only do we survivors already feel shame and guilt, we are oft victim-blamed by those who are claiming to help us.
I asked Ms. Corrector permission to include in my affidavit how rumor had it that the SDA State Conference relocated the Creep family instead of reporting his actions to police.
This is me in trauma state. The corrections and obfuscations to my affidavit made me feel responsible, guilty, stupid, gullible, and judged.
I felt obligated to self-blame and self-confess in writing. Childlike, hurting, biddable, I asked permission to include what happened (according to rumor, and as evidence by lots of unusual frequent Creep family moves).
I requested permission to start a paper trail that an SDA State Conference routinely, knowingly relocated an SDA teacher pedophile and his family during the 70s, 80s, and 90s.
I dared to ask permission to do that in my own affidavit. While biddable and hurting. I was safe enough that some part of my hurting self was able to consider this.
If I was fully capable, confident, not being corrected and obfuscated by Project Safe Church, I would have had a safe friend help me rewrite the affidavit.
Amongst my friends, I have folks who work in law. I was too hurting, accused, defensive, biddable to relax, take my time, and consider all my options. I felt I had to do something NOW. This is from PTSD.
In the book COMPLEX PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving by Pete Walker, this PTSD response is labeled “Time Urgency”. I seem to recall a page in that book on why this develops, but could not find it after skimming the book for 45min to include it in this blog post.
This image from the book, used under Fair Use law, on how to deal with PTSD Time Urgency will suffice:
I was not in danger. I did not have to rush. I didn't have to collaborate with Project Safe Church at all.
But I felt I did, for the roaring protective instinct deep in my soul trying to protect all the possible future victims of Mr. Creep’s possible ~400 victims? I wanted to protect those kids from being the CSA survivor PTSD riddled adult waking from screaming nightmares human that I am.
And to do that, without going to the state I used to live in and pressing charges against Mr. Creep and publicly testify in court about what he did to me and retching and puking and being asked leading blaming questions by his SDA Church-funded defense attorney (ok, yeah, a lot of assumptions there and yet this is a common situation that sex abuse survivors endure).
I felt Project Safe Church was my only shortcut through all that. By working with Project Safe Church, I was hoping to avoid painful court testimony. More importantly, I wanted to save time. Court procedures take forever. Taking forever gave Mr. Creep even more time to molest more children.
Because of all the above, I felt I HAD to blame my younger self in writing for “buying into” the only beliefs I was ever taught. Ms. Corrector never told me I could change the affidavit words back. In trauma mode, I didn't consider it.
In that email, I was offering to blame my young self in writing. In order to save time and avoid pain. In order to prevent more children from being molested by Mr. Creep. But I wanted a paper trail that SDAs probably enabled Mr. Creep by relocating him instead of telling the police.
Quid pro quo, I think that's called.
Ms. Corrector wrote me back a few days later.
No including rumors in my affidavit on how an SDA Conference (allegedly) relocated the Creep family. It was “beyond the scope of Project Safe Church”.
“I've spoken to [Dr. S.] about your case and she feels that adding in the additional information is beyond the scope of Project Safe Church. We can report on what happened to you and then can forward it on to the appropriate conferences,” Ms. Corrector wrote.
So I thought about it. I remembered puking, shaking, retching while completing my police report.
I recalled how it took two emailed contact attempts and a targeted email with name dropping to get any meaningful response to my 46 email reports to SDA youth leaders about Mr. Creep from the Conference he now lives in.
I researched how to file an affidavit. It involved getting the document notarized, while standing in front of a stranger who would read the affidavit and charge money to notarize it.
I thought about standing, puking, retchimg, shaking in front of complete stranger who would read the affidavit wherein I (apparently) had to confess in writing to “buying into” Purity Culture things I was taught.
I thought about how Dr. S. would only hand off my affidavit to an SDA Conference official. No other follow up.
So there was utter mortification (blaming myself in writing for believing what I was taught), definite shaking/retching/puking before a stranger during the affidavit notarizing, possible silent judgement from that stranger, the mortification of paying money to blame myself in writing—and no guaranteed result from an SDA Conference thus far almost wholly unhelpful to me.
And that was too big of an ask.
I ghosted Project Safe Church.
And they left me alone. I was relieved. It’s the decent thing to do.
Read: Because I was open on social media about my CSA case, multiple self-proclaimed well-meaning child-protecting people decided I “had” to do A Thing that they decided must be done. When I handled my CSA case my own way, a number of these persons demanded I tell them why. When I did, my words were thrown in my face. I was accused of being morally responsible of future actions by Mr. Creep.
I low-key expected Project Safe Church to do the same. I'm thankful I was wrong.
And, until this blog post, that was the end of my CSA story.
Now ends my CSA story, for now.
Relevant reliable sources:
My source for most things sex abuse including support, info, safety, advice is the Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network’s (RAINN): https://rainn.org
The sources I keep going back to:
I get physical symptoms (nausea, hand tremors, nightmares, migraine, abdominal pain, racing pulse) while researching, writing, editing these blog posts. This page reminds me these symptoms are normal symptoms for CSA survivors. https://www.healthyplace.com/abuse/articles/symptoms-adult-survivors-childhood-sexual-abuse
RAINN page titled After Sexual Assault. https://rainn.org/after-sexual-assault
RAINN’s page titled Recovering From Sexual Violence. https://rainn.org/recovering-sexual-violence
RAINN page titled Find Help Near You, to find local low-cost or free support. https://centers.rainn.org
Explanatory rant turns science and Bible: Inevitably, people judge sex abuse survivors. Hardcore. What did we wear when we were sexually abused? This is a victim-blaming demand assuming survivors invited rape.
(See here for what people wore. Trigger warning: CSA. It is a heartbreaking exhibit. The baby clothes. https://dovecenter.org/what-were-you-wearing-exhibit/)
Others pry for details, hold those details against us. Why didn't we know/do/talk/walk differently? THEY wouldn’t do THAT, they confidently tell us.
Even what our bodies instinctively did to help us survive is held against us. Why did we fight, flight, freeze or fawn? Our interrogators definitely would never do that, they ignorantly tell us.
This myth is even in the Old Testament Bible—a death sentence if a woman is raped in the city and freezes.
Deuteronomy 22:23,24
“If there is a virgin pledged in marriage to a man, and another man encounters her in the city and sleeps with her, 24you must take both of them out to the gate of that city and stone them to death—the young woman because she did not cry out in the city,”
That law is based on the assumption “all raped women and girls scream; if one doesn’t scream she's complicit”. Not so. People being raped often freeze, unable to move. Source: https://www.cnn.com/2024/01/11/health/freeze-response-trauma-wellness/index.html
Thus, Bronze Age Israelite virgin women and girls with an automatic freeze response to being raped were murdered. By their friends and neughbors.
I suppose that's one way to try to weed out the freeze instinct from a population? Maybe that's what some Middle Eastern dudes in authority back then wanted to do. Folks back then knew damn well that traits could be bred in and bred out of plants and animals. It’s not much of a mental stretch to apply that idea to humans. But I'm speculating.
I froze when Mr. Creep inappropriately touched me. In Bronze Age Israel, had Mr. Creep raped virgin-me, I would have been murdered per law because of my freeze response. That's a lot of ifs. It’s also chilling.
Comparison of my 20th century to 21st century case, how the SDA church handled them both:
The 21st century case in my series has a lot in common with the 20th century case. Kindly append “is alleged” to the appropriate 21st century remarks.
Both cases:
involve a middle-aged adult man in Adventist children’s ministries.
For years, people said these men molested children.
For years, no one told the police.
Adventist leadership were notified.
Adventist leadership did not tell police.
Rumor has it Adventist leadership protected both men.
Adventist leadership, through obfuscation, non-response, and no action, continue to protect both men.
Survivors and their advocates had to tell police. SDA adults in the know? Didn’t bother. In my case, police were notified. By me. After I grew up. In the 21st century case, it appears a nonSDA mom reported Dubon to police.
Both men are still welcome in SDA churches around children. Unattended.
And thus the SDA Church managed two CSA cases thirty years apart by silence, non-response, inaction, and obfuscation.
In the third case in my series, I'm comparing a 19th century case to my 20th and 21st century example SDA CSA cases.
I first wrote about that case here:
